Navigating Anxiety: A Personal Journey from Childhood to Adulthood

Hey Everyone!!

I just wanted to start off this post by saying thank you from the bottom of my heart for the love and support. I had many people come up to me in person talking about the impact my posts have had on them and how they understand every word I am trying to get across. In every interaction, I was seriously left speechless and even a little teary eyed. Thank you to everyone who continues to read these posts and reflect on their own stories. But here we are, post #10… who would have thought that my scattered brain would be able to yap my story away with the internet for 10 pretty long posts. I don’t plan on stopping here, I hope to continue until either my fingers stop working or the internet gets shut down forever!

For our 10th post, I wanted to dive a bit deeper into my story and be as honest with the internet as possible. Over the last couple of weeks, I have been sitting with my feelings and memories from childhood to now about my anxiety, how it has changed and how it has impacted me. Reflecting on my journey with anxiety is both a challenging and enlightening experience. Growing up, I often felt like I was navigating an unpredictable storm, with waves of anxiety crashing over me at unexpected moments. As a child, I didn't have the vocabulary or understanding to articulate these feelings, and it wasn't until much later that I realized how deeply anxiety had woven itself into my life.

From the schoolyard to the workplace, anxiety has been a constant companion, shaping my interactions, decisions, and self-perception. Over the years, I've learned to recognize its patterns, understand its triggers, and develop strategies to cope. This reflection is not just a journal of my struggles but also presenting my growth.

By sharing my story, I hope to shed light on the often-hidden realities of living with anxiety and offer insights that may resonate with others facing similar challenges. This is my journey, from childhood to now, of understanding and managing anxiety, and finding strength in the process.

Early Childhood

Reflecting on my early childhood, I realize that I didn't have the words to describe what I was feeling. Anxiety was an unnamed companion that lived on my shoulder, directing me every chance it got. My earliest memories of feeling anxious revolve around an intense fear of being alone, terrified that something might go wrong in my parents' absence. I was constantly afraid of being forgotten or left behind, whether at a store, someone's house, or even school. I needed to know where my parents were at all times, developing an anxious attachment to them that manifested in frequent calls home from school or friend’s houses, often with random illnesses or throwing up for no apparent reason. The fear that my parents wouldn’t pick me up from school was overwhelming and persistent and I remember every moment of that fear even years later.

Specific events that triggered my anxiety are etched vividly in my memory. I recall being at a friend’s house and being consumed by the fear that my dad would leave me behind. Keep in mind that he has never forgotten me anywhere or left me behind but this fear lived rent-free in my head. My first day of kindergarten was especially traumatizing—I screamed and cried, unable to cope with the thought of my mom leaving me. This wasn’t just a one-time occurrence but a pattern that continued for months, each day filled with dread and tears.

At home, my family was uncertain about how to respond to my anxiety. My parents sensed something different about me but couldn't quite pinpoint what it was, and I struggled to explain my feelings. This lack of understanding was mutual; neither they nor I knew why I was experiencing such intense emotions.

School, unfortunately, heightened my anxiety. Being away from my parents heightened my sense of vulnerability, and I was always looking for an escape route in case something bad happened. While I had friends, my connections with them were not very deep. I participated in school activities, especially when my friends did, but there were times when my anxiety forced me to back out. Social interactions and academic performance were challenging, as the undercurrent of anxiety affected my ability to engage fully and confidently in school life.

Adolescence

As I transitioned into adolescence and began high school, I started to suspect that what I was experiencing might be anxiety, although it still wasn't openly discussed in school. During this period, I slowly grew out of the fear of being left alone or abandoned. High school brought a new environment and new people, and while I remained anxious, the increased freedom compared to elementary school helped alleviate some of my fears. However, starting high school and my first job introduced new triggers and stressors. The pressure of adapting to a new setting and meeting new expectations kept my anxiety simmering beneath the surface.

Despite these challenges, I didn't develop any effective coping mechanisms. My primary response to anxiety was to avoid situations that triggered it, often opting to stay home when my anxiety became overwhelming. This avoidance only heightened my anxiety in the long run. I tried to distract myself with schoolwork, but this wasn't a sustainable solution.

In terms of peer relationships, my anxiety remained largely hidden. As a floater in high school, moving between different social groups, my anxiety didn't significantly impact my friendships. My surface-level interactions with peers meant that no one really knew about the anxiety I was struggling with internally. This lack of deep connections allowed me to maintain a face of normality, even as I navigated the turbulent waters of adolescence and anxiety.

Young Adulthood

Major life transitions during young adulthood had a profound impact on my anxiety. The onset of the COVID-19 pandemic heightened my mental health, as my primary coping mechanism involved isolation, which was now enforced by the lockdowns. Starting university was a significant milestone that made me feel more adult, but it came with its own set of challenges. The first year was conducted online due to the pandemic, which doubled the stress, as this stage of my life felt crucial for my future. The pressure to perform well in university was immense, and my anxiety reached a peak.

I had to quit my job because of my anxiety, which made it impossible to work. Eight-hour shifts turned into two-hour shifts, often ending in panic attacks. This led to a cycle of going to work and quickly returning home, feeling like I was letting everyone down by not being able to fulfill my responsibilities, which ultimately led to me quitting altogether. This period marked the first time my anxiety became utterly unbearable. It felt like I had lost control over my body and thoughts, with my anxiety taking charge of every action and decision. I would drive to school only to freeze up in the parking lot, my hands glued to the steering wheel as my mind raced with negative thoughts. This led to missing many classes, seminars, and social gatherings as I grappled with understanding what was happening to me.

Just as I thought things couldn’t get worse, the end of my first significant relationship further triggered my anxiety. I hadn't realized how much I relied on my partner. The breakup shattered my routine, and for someone with anxiety, change is incredibly challenging. The unknown future without my partner was daunting, and I felt lost. Although this was an experience that I wish to never go through again, it also taught me a valuable lesson: I had to rely on myself to manage my anxiety because no one else could fix what was happening inside my head.

During this hectic time, I realized I needed professional help. After quitting my job, I needed therapy and found an amazing therapist who provided a sense of home. She was the first to diagnose my struggles as anxiety, offering relief and closure. We initially focused on cognitive-behavioural therapy before transitioning to mindfulness therapy, which I found more effective. I also tried medication, specifically Escitalopram Oxalate (Lexapro), for three months, but it worsened my anxiety. The medication made me feel disoriented, and I decided to discontinue its use. After stopping with Lexapro, it really hit me that, as much as medication can be effective with the help of therapy, I realized that it was really up to me. If I wanted to see change, I had to do it. I had to sit myself down, understand my fears and worries, and push past them because, at the end of the day, my anxiety and even yours do not define you. It can be part of you and there is a good chance it always will be but it does not define us as individuals because we are more than our worries.

Despite these challenges, I experienced a significant turning point about 6 months later. Frustrated with my anxiety and everything that didn't bring me joy, I made a conscious decision to change. On New Year's Eve, I resolved to become the best version of myself. As the clock struck midnight, it felt as if a switch flipped in my brain, silencing my anxiety. I started attending school five days a week, going out with friends, going to concerts, and participating in social events. Activities that once seemed impossible became achievable. I even secured my first job after two years of not working, and surprisingly, I felt no nervousness. This period showed me that I had the strength to overcome my anxiety and that personal growth comes from within.My young adulthood was marked by significant ups and downs, each shaping me in unique ways but these experiences taught me invaluable life lessons that I continue to apply daily.

Present

Today, anxiety manifests in my life in ways that are both familiar and unexpectedly intense. A few months ago, life took a sudden and frightening turn that landed me in the ER. Although, thankfully, I was physically fine, the mental toll was severe, sending me into a downward spiral worse than anything I had experienced before. For the next two to three months, I lived in constant fear, with anxiety levels that I didn't know were possible. I experienced waves of intense emotions, which led me to pull away from loved ones, unintentionally hurting a few along the way. The derealization was overwhelming, making it hard to distinguish between what was real and what was not. I spent countless days crying and had to attend weekly therapy sessions just to cope.

During this period, my routine fell apart. I stopped attending school, missed important presentations, and even avoided driving alone. Life felt unbearable, and when I look back on it now, I can't help but cry—not out of self-pity, but because I felt a profound sense of disappointment in myself. I wish I could have bounced back quickly, but recovery has been slow. Here I am, still trying to understand why anxiety has such a suffocating hold on me. Some days are amazing, with my anxiety taking a backseat, while other days are filled with tears as I struggle with its control.

There’s a part of me that feels disappointed and discouraged by how things have unfolded. I know some people might think, “Kristina, maybe if you stopped dwelling on your story and took action, things would improve,” and while that might work for some, it feels mentally impossible for me right now. Each day, I test the waters, trying to regain my footing. I can't dive headfirst into situations because it often sets me back rather than helping me move forward. Despite everything, life continues, and it will keep moving whether I'm ready or not. Becoming the person I want to be again is possible, but it requires patience—something I struggle with deeply.

Currently, my coping strategies involve slow exposure to anxiety-provoking situations rather than diving in all at once. Grounding techniques help me stay present and manage my anxiety more effectively. Celebrating small victories like big social events or even graduating from university. Also, self-compassion, just accepting myself for who I am, and that I will handle situations and overall life just a bit differently, but that is all okay because, at the end of the day, we all conquer life just a bit differently. Overall, it’s a journey of taking two steps back and then two steps forward, requiring patience and understanding that no two days are the same, and that’s okay.

Reflection

Reflecting on my journey with anxiety, I've learned some of the most important lessons about managing it: to be patient with myself, to love myself, and to accept myself as I am. It’s crucial to try your hardest but also to recognize when you need to rest and not overwork yourself. If I could give advice to my younger self, I would say that everything is going to be okay. We eventually figure out what the problem is, and mom and dad understand and only want the best for you. Take it day by day and don’t beat yourself up over it, because being your biggest bully doesn’t help but only makes the situation worse.

Looking back, I would want younger me to know that the journey ahead isn’t a smooth ride. There will be ups and downs, with our good days being the best and our bad days feeling like the worst. But through it all, mom is your best friend and will always be there for you, through every tear, every panic, and every moment of feeling lost. She helps you stand on your own two feet. I’ve come to understand the importance of seeking support and surrounding myself with people who genuinely care. The road to managing anxiety is not a solitary one, and having a strong support system has made a significant difference.

As I look to the future, my aspirations include building up my resilience and not getting swept off my feet when my progress takes a step back. This journey is about growth and self-compassion, and I am committed to continuing to learn and manage my anxiety with these values in mind. I aim to develop more coping mechanisms and to approach challenges with a mindset of resilience and adaptability. I know that every setback is an opportunity to learn and grow, and I am determined to embrace each moment with courage and grace. Ultimately, my goal is to create a life where anxiety does not dictate my actions, but rather, I navigate it with confidence and self-assurance.

As I reflect on my journey with anxiety from childhood to now, I realize how far I’ve come and how much I’ve learned. The experiences I’ve shared are a testament to the strengths and weaknesses that lie within us all. From the early fears and uncertainties to the significant challenges of young adulthood, and now navigating the complexities of the present, each stage has taught me valuable lessons about patience, self-love, and acceptance.

Understanding and managing anxiety is a continuous process that requires kindness towards oneself and the willingness to seek help when needed. By sharing my story, I hope to offer support and encouragement to others who may be facing similar struggles. Remember, it’s okay to take things one day at a time, to seek support, and to celebrate the small victories along the way. Our journeys are unique, but we are never alone in them.

As I continue to grow and build resilience, I hold onto the hope that the future will bring more understanding, more strength, and more moments of peace. To anyone reading this who is struggling with anxiety, know that you are not alone, and it is possible to find balance and joy amidst the challenges. Together, we can navigate this journey with courage and compassion.

Here’s to 10 posts and many more!

Always with love,

Kristina