Pathways to Understanding: Exploring Attachment Styles in Relationships

Hi everyone!

Here we go again with another blog post. This post is going to touch upon a topic that I love going off about - attachment styles. You may or may not have heard of attachment styles on social media, with your friends discussing them, during talks with your therapist, or from your own personal experiences that you weren’t even sure were a type of attachment style. As I sit down to write this blog post, I can't help but reflect on relationships—the highs of connection and intimacy, the lows of misunderstanding and conflict. For me, understanding attachment styles has been like shining a light into the depths of these dynamics, illuminating the patterns that shape the way we love and relate to one another. Attachment theory isn't just an abstract concept; it's a lens through which we can explore our own stories and the stories of those around us. It's about recognizing how our earliest experiences with caregivers ripple through our lives, shaping our interactions, deepest fears, and deepest desires. I want to invite you on a journey of self-discovery and exploration—a journey into the heart of attachment styles. Together, we'll peel back the layers of our relational patterns, uncovering the ways in which our past experiences continue to influence our present connections. So grab a cup of tea (or something colder since the weather is slowly starting to get better), settle in, and let's delve into the world of attachment styles. Because understanding ourselves and our relationships is not just an intellectual hunt—it's a deeply personal and transformative journey.

Secure Attachment Style

For our first attachment, we have secured. This is the attachment style that we all want to have; many of us do which is amazing, and many of us are working towards it. I like to think of it as the base of attachment styles; it provides a steady foundation on which healthy, fulfilling relationships can thrive on. Individuals with a secure attachment style exhibit a balance of intimacy and independence, underpinned by a deep sense of comfort and security in their bonds. At the heart of secure attachment lies a trust—in oneself, in others, and in the reliability of the attachment figure. Those with a secure attachment style have cultivated positive views of themselves, characterized by a healthy sense of self-worth and an internalized belief in their capacity to give and receive love. Similarly, they hold optimistic views of others, seeing them as trustworthy, supportive, and capable of meeting their emotional needs. In relationships, individuals approach interactions with a blend of warmth, empathy, and emotional resilience. They possess the ability to navigate the complexities of a connection with grace and authenticity, fostering deep, meaningful bonds while maintaining a strong sense of self. Securely attached individuals are good at communicating their needs and desires openly and honestly, while being confident in their partner's receptiveness and understanding.

For example, someone with a secure attachment style may feel comfortable expressing their emotions openly and vulnerably with their partner, knowing that they will be met with empathy and validation. They demonstrate a genuine interest in their partner's well-being and are aware of their needs, offering support and reassurance when needed while also respecting their needs and boundaries. In my past relationship, I stood on the grounds of a secure attachment style for a while; there is only one way to describe it.. peaceful. It was like someone had switched off my anxious thoughts of “what is he doing right now?’ or “is he mad at me?” and replacing them with “he is working; he texted me this morning letting me know it will be a busy day” or “I know he isn’t mad at me because he would have communicated it with me”. It brings trust, honesty, and overall respect to the relationship that I didn’t think was possible. I believe that securely attached people thrive in relationships with other securely attached people. I believe even anxiously attached people can also thrive in relationships with securely attached people because that anxious part of their brain is being fulfilled with strong communication, honesty, and respect. Now, I’m not saying go onto your dating profile and write in your bio, “LOOKING FOR A SECURE PERSON.”. It might work, but it also might not. I believe it takes two to become secure. You can both have an anxious attachment style (which I will touch upon more in the next part), but through communication, honesty, and vulnerability, that attachment style could very easily turn into a secure one where you aren’t overthinking every message they send or frantically worrying about what they are doing at that exact moment. Secure attachment serves as a foundation of stability in the ever-changing place of human relationships, offering a roadmap for navigating intimacy with confidence and compassion. It fosters a sense of security and safety within relationships, allowing individuals to explore, grow, and flourish together in a nurturing and supportive environment. Ultimately, secure attachment lays the groundwork for enduring bonds built on mutual trust, respect, and emotional connection.

Anxious Attachment Style

Anxious attachment style, the attachment that many individuals can relate to; some might even be embarrassed of it, but I’m here to say that you shouldn’t be. This stems from our anxious brains, and sometimes we can’t help it. The anxious attachment style is a complex interplay of fears, intense emotions, and a quest for closeness and reassurance in relationships. Rooted in early experiences of inconsistent caregiving or emotional neglect, individuals with this attachment style often grapple with insecurities and anxieties about their worthiness of love and acceptance. At its core, anxious attachment is characterized by a fear of abandonment and rejection. These individuals may have experienced caregivers who were occasionally available or emotionally unpredictable, leading them to internalize the belief that they were unworthy of consistent love and attention. As a result, they develop a need for constant validation and reassurance from their partners, fearing that any distance or disconnection could signal impending abandonment. In relationships, those with anxious attachments tend to exhibit clingy behaviour, seeking validation and approval to soothe their inner turmoil. They may become overly dependent on their partners for emotional support, experiencing heightened levels of anxiety and distress when separated or when faced with perceived threats to the relationship.

For example, someone with an anxious attachment may frequently seek reassurance from their partner about their love and commitment, becoming anxious or upset when their needs for closeness and connection are not immediately met. They may engage in behaviours such as excessive texting or calling to maintain constant contact with their partner, fearing that any perceived distance could signal abandonment. I won’t lie, I’ve been there like many of us have or still continue to be in this never ending cycle of anxious attachment. In the moment, our anxious brains are working overtime trying to figure out what the other person is thinking, why they are being distant, which leads to even more distress because “they’re leaving me.”. Not only is this emotional and draining to us, but it also makes our partners feel like they aren’t showing enough love or compassion. Despite the overwhelming fear of rejection, individuals with an anxious attachment often possess a deep capacity for love and affection. They long for intimacy and connection, craving the emotional security and stability that they believe only a committed relationship can provide. Which is also why the hookup culture is not for anxiously attached individuals; they long for that intimacy that another person is not providing since it is not a committed relationship. However, without addressing the underlying insecurities and fears driving their attachment style, individuals with anxious attachment may find themselves trapped in a cycle of relationship turmoil, unable to break free from their patterns of anxious and needy behaviour.

Understanding the anxious attachment style is the first step towards healing and growth. By recognizing the underlying fears and insecurities driving attachment patterns, individuals can begin to cultivate greater self-awareness and develop healthier relationship dynamics based on mutual trust, respect, and emotional security. Through therapy, self-reflection, and supportive relationships, individuals can learn to navigate the attachment style more effectively and build stronger, more fulfilling connections with others. I do want to point out that it is not bad to be anxiously attached, in fact, it is not entirely your fault. This is another thing like social anxiety that we learn to work around and either cope with it or fully flip the switch and change our ways. There are many ways of going from anxious to secure; again, just speaking from experience, I turned to a lot of self-reflection. Reflecting on my actions, thoughts, and feelings that stemmed from my previous relationship, which caused my anxious attachment to spiral. Along with getting in touch with my emotions and thoughts, therapy was a big component of getting out of this attachment by understanding what my anxious mind was filling my normal mind with, and that was nothing but thoughts that had no evidence to back them up. One last thing that worked for me was flipping the story and putting myself in my partner's shoes. I was thinking of things like how I would feel if my partner was overthinking whether I loved them or not, which allowed me to sit down and have deep conversations with my previous partner about the emotions I was feeling and what we could do to soothe them. Overall, it is your anxious mind working overtime, trying to figure out a problem that might not even be there, labelling it with thoughts and ideas that have no evidence to support them.

Avoidant Attachment Style

Our final attachment style that our anxious individuals tend to lean towards is avoidant attachment. The avoidant attachment style displays itself as discomfort with intimacy, a reluctance to rely on others, and a preference for emotional independence. Individuals with this attachment style navigate relationships with belief in their self-sufficiency and a tendency to prioritize freedom above all else. At its core, avoidant attachment is rooted in a dislike for vulnerability and emotional dependency. These individuals may have experienced caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or dismissive of their needs, leading them to internalize the belief that expressing emotions or relying on others for support is a sign of weakness or inadequacy. In relationships, those with this attachment style approach intimacy with caution and skepticism. They often struggle to open up emotionally or express their needs and desires to their partners, fearing that doing so will make them appear needy or dependent. Instead, they prioritize self-reliance and emotional detachment, maintaining a safe distance from their partners to avoid the perceived risks of intimacy.

For example, someone with an avoidant attachment may downplay the importance of relationships in their life, often emphasizing their need for independence and solitude. They may have difficulty acknowledging or expressing their emotions, preferring to keep their feelings bottled up rather than risk being vulnerable with their partner. With that being said, someone can be secure and switch to avoidant depending on their thoughts, emotions, or the situation of the relationship. But this is where it gets messy and usually leads to heartbreak, or at least what I have seen happen. Two people can be very secure in a relationship, but as soon as one of them becomes avoidant, the other person quickly becomes anxious, even if they have never had an anxious attachment style in their life. It leaves them looking for answers on how someone can switch up and be the complete opposite. Now, that avoidant individual will come and go as they please since the anxious individual will be unsure of how to create clear boundaries, or I saw it as, “I would take anything at this point rather than nothing at all,” and that is by far the worst thing you can allow yourself to settle for. That avoidant individual will come back to the anxious individual to fill that small part of them that is looking for "intimacy,” and the anxious person will settle with it since it is filling that abandonment void for them. This is a cycle that gets really messy, really quickly, and usually leaves the anxious individual questioning whether they are really worthy of love. I have been anxious and secure, but I have also been avoidant at some point. This came with a fear of intimacy and anything that has to do with forming a connection with someone. The part of avoidant that always made me feel worse about myself was the aspect where I hurt people who cared for me. I am that type of person who doesn’t like hurting others, and I would rather sit and workout all of my unresolved feelings and emotions that I carry with me than get into a relationship and hurt the other person. Besides that, despite the outward self-assurance, individuals with an avoidant attachment may grapple with feelings of loneliness and isolation in their relationships. Their fear of vulnerability and rejection can create barriers to intimacy, preventing them from forming deep, meaningful connections with others. Without addressing the underlying insecurities and fears driving their attachment style, individuals may find themselves trapped in a cycle of emotional distancing and avoidance, unable to fully engage in the intimacy and vulnerability that are essential for healthy relationships.

Understanding the dismissive attachment style is the first step towards healing and growth. By recognizing the underlying fears and insecurities driving their attachment patterns, individuals can begin to cultivate greater self-awareness and develop healthier relationship dynamics based on mutual trust, respect, and emotional intimacy. Through therapy, self-reflection, and supportive relationships, individuals can learn to overcome their fear of vulnerability and embrace the richness and depth of genuine connection with others. Like I said with the anxious attachment style, there is nothing wrong with being avoidant. People may portray individuals with this attachment style as the enemy, put on this planet to wreck everyone else, and it might seem like that, but I believe and studies have also proven that avoidants are avoidants for their own reasons, their own unresolved feelings and emotions, and underlying trauma that tends to resurface in every relationship they are in or trying to enter into. With that, healing and working on your own emotions and thoughts—not of the relationships but of yourself—is what you need to resolve in order to be in a relationship that makes that avoidant attachment turn off and the secure one on.

Recognizing Your Attachment Style

Identifying your attachment style is a powerful step towards understanding the dynamics of your relationships and fostering healthier connections with others. Through self-reflection and observation of your behaviour in relationships, you can begin to unravel the patterns that shape the way you approach intimacy, trust, and emotional connection.

1. Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your past experiences with caregivers and how they may have influenced your attachment style. Consider your early interactions with caregivers and how they responded to your emotional needs. Were they consistently available and responsive, or were they emotionally distant or unpredictable? Reflect on how these early experiences may have shaped your beliefs about yourself and others.

2. Observation of Behaviour: Pay attention to your behaviour in relationships and how you respond to moments of intimacy, conflict, and vulnerability. Notice patterns in your interactions with partners, friends, and family members. Do you tend to seek reassurance and validation from others, or do you prefer to maintain emotional independence? How do you react when faced with conflict or perceived threats to the relationship?

3. Common Patterns Associated with Each Style: Familiarize yourself with the common patterns associated with each attachment style—secure, anxious, and avoidant. Secure individuals tend to feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence, while anxious individuals may exhibit clingy behaviour, and avoidant individuals may prioritize emotional independence over connection.

4. Examples of Common Behaviours: Consider how these patterns manifest in your own life. Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from your partner, or do you struggle to express your emotions openly and honestly? Are you comfortable with intimacy and vulnerability, or do you tend to avoid emotional connection altogether? By recognizing these behaviours, you can gain insight into your attachment style and how it influences your relationships.

By identifying your attachment style and understanding its impact on your relationships, you can begin to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling connections based on mutual trust, respect, and emotional intimacy. Through therapy, self-reflection, and open communication with your partners, you can embark on a journey of growth and healing, paving the way for deeper, more authentic connections with others.

Navigating Relationships

Navigating relationships is a dynamic process influenced by our attachment styles and past experiences. For those with a secure attachment style, fostering healthy connections involves prioritizing open communication, maintaining boundaries, and practicing self-care. Secure individuals shine at expressing their needs while also actively listening to their partner, creating a foundation of mutual trust and respect. They understand the importance of healthy boundaries, honouring their own needs while respecting their partner's needs. Additionally, they prioritize self-care, engaging in activities that promote emotional well-being and fulfillment, therefore nurturing both themselves and their relationships.

Individuals with an anxious attachment style may find navigating relationships challenging due to their need for reassurance and fear of abandonment. However, by practicing assertive communication and expressing needs without resorting to clingy behaviour, they can foster healthier connections. Setting and maintaining boundaries is crucial, as is having a balance between closeness and space to ensure mutual respect and understanding. Also, prioritizing self-care and building self-worth are essential for reducing dependency on external validation and cultivating emotional resilience.

Finally, for those with an avoidant attachment style, navigating relationships may involve overcoming discomfort with vulnerability and intimacy. By challenging themselves to communicate openly and express emotions, they can foster deeper connections with their partners. Recognizing and respecting boundaries, both their own and their partner's, is essential for creating a sense of safety and security in the relationship. Additionally, prioritizing self-compassion and self-care allows them to acknowledge and address their emotional needs in healthy ways.

Regardless of attachment style, relationships require ongoing effort and understanding. By using self-awareness, practicing empathy, and prioritizing healthy communication and boundary-setting, individuals can navigate relationships more effectively. Remembering that relationships are a journey of growth and learning, patience with oneself and one's partner is key to building stronger, more resilient connections based on mutual trust, respect, and emotional intimacy.

In conclusion, it's important for you to reflect on your own attachment patterns and consider how they impact your relationships. By recognizing the ways in which your attachment style manifests in your behaviour and interactions, you can begin to cultivate more secure and satisfying connections with others. Whether you identify with a secure attachment style and seek to maintain healthy boundaries and open communication, or you resonate more with an anxious or avoidant attachment style and are working on building self-awareness and emotional resilience, there is always room for growth and improvement.

Ultimately, fostering healthy relationships requires ongoing effort, self-reflection, and empathy. By understanding the complexities of attachment styles and their impact on relationship dynamics, you can embark on a journey of growth and healing, paving the way for deeper, more authentic connections with others. So, I encourage you to take the time to reflect on your own attachment patterns and consider how you can cultivate more secure and satisfying relationships in your life.

Remember, no matter where you are on your journey of understanding attachment styles and navigating relationships, be gentle with yourself.

Growth takes time, and every step you take towards greater self-awareness and healthier connections is a victory.

You are worthy of love, respect, and genuine connection.

Keep striving, keep learning, and, most importantly, keep believing in the power of love and growth.

You've got this!

Always with love,

Kristina