The Lie That You Have to Be ‘Fixed’ to Be Loved

Hi everyone!

There’s this quiet belief so many of us carry — the idea that we have to be fully healed, emotionally stable, and somehow “less messy” before we’re worthy of love. That until we’ve figured everything out, until our anxiety is gone or our past is completely behind us, we don’t deserve the kind of deep, steady love we crave. It’s a lie we don’t always say out loud, but it lingers beneath the surface — whispering that we’re too much, too broken, too hard to care for.

I’ve felt that lie settle into my chest more times than I’d like to admit. That voice that says, “You need to fix this before anyone can really love you.” And maybe you’ve felt it too — that pressure to show up perfectly composed, always “working on yourself,” always improving.

But here’s what I’ve learned: healing and being loved are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to be finished becoming to be worthy of connection, support, or care. You are allowed to be loved right in the middle of your healing — anxiety, fears, flaws, and all.

In this post, we’re going to explore where this belief comes from, how anxiety warps our sense of self-worth, and what love — real love — actually looks like. Because you don’t need to be “fixed” to be loved. You just need to be seen, as you are, and reminded that you’re already enough.

Where the Lie Comes From

This belief — that we need to be “fixed” before we can be loved — doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s something many of us pick up quietly, over time, through subtle messages from the world around us. Maybe it started in childhood, when love or praise felt conditional. Or in school, when we learned that being “easy to manage” was rewarded more than being honest about how we felt. Or maybe it came from a relationship that made you feel like your emotions were a burden — like you had to shrink yourself to be worthy of staying.

Social media and self-help culture, while often well-meaning, can reinforce this idea too. We're constantly exposed to polished stories of healing, “glow-ups,” and transformation. It can start to feel like unless you're perfectly self-aware, mentally regulated, and thriving, you're not ready for love — or worse, that you don't deserve it.

And if you live with anxiety, this belief can root even deeper. Anxiety makes us question our worth on a daily basis. It tells us we’re too complicated, too emotional, too hard to understand. It convinces us that the people in our lives are doing us a favor by staying — and that unless we “get better,” we’ll lose them.

But these ideas aren’t truth — they’re fear. They come from wounded places and unrealistic expectations, not from the reality of what love is supposed to be. Real love isn’t reserved for the perfectly healed. It’s something we all deserve — especially when we’re in the messy middle of becoming.

What Love Really Is (And Isn’t)

Love isn’t a reward you earn once you’ve finally “got it together.” It’s not something handed out to the people who’ve conquered their fears, silenced their anxiety, or mastered emotional balance. Real love — the kind that lasts, heals, and holds — isn’t interested in perfection. It shows up for the real, raw, unfiltered you.

Love doesn’t say, “I’ll be here when you’re easier.” It says, “I’m here now, even when it’s hard.” It doesn’t flinch at your bad days, your spirals, or your quiet moments of shutting down. It doesn’t expect you to hide the parts of yourself you’re still working through. Real love doesn’t demand you to shrink. It meets you where you are — fully, gently, and without condition.

What love isn’t is pressure. It’s not someone expecting you to always be okay. It’s not walking on eggshells or being afraid to show your truth. It’s not love if it asks you to become someone else to feel accepted.

Real love holds space. It allows you to be both healing and whole, both anxious and deeply lovable. It walks with you, not ahead of you, and certainly not away from you when things get messy. And while love isn’t meant to carry the full weight of your healing, it can be a reminder that you’re not alone in it.

So many of us have been taught to believe we need to be smaller, calmer, or more “together” before we’re worthy of love. But maybe love isn’t what comes after the healing — maybe love is part of the healing. Maybe being seen, supported, and accepted in your mess is exactly what helps you grow.

How Anxiety Twists Our Self-Worth

Anxiety doesn’t just affect how we think — it affects how we see ourselves. It whispers that we’re too much, too complicated, too unstable. It turns small missteps into deep personal flaws. It convinces us that we’re a burden to the people around us, and that unless we “get it under control,” we’ll push others away. That voice can be loud, convincing, and constant — especially when we’re already feeling vulnerable.

Even when we’re surrounded by people who care, anxiety can make us question whether we deserve their love or patience. It creates a lens of self-doubt that filters every interaction. A friend doesn’t reply for a few hours? Anxiety fills in the blank with they’re annoyed with you. You cancel plans because you need rest? Anxiety says you’re letting everyone down again. You stumble in conversation? Anxiety tells you you embarrassed yourself. Over time, this internal narrative chips away at our sense of worth.

It’s exhausting — and it’s hard to challenge when it feels so real. The longer it goes on, the easier it becomes to believe that we’re only lovable if we’re calm, cheerful, or “easier” to be around. We begin to hide the parts of us that feel anxious, emotional, or messy — not because we want to, but because we’re scared they’ll scare someone else away.

But here’s what anxiety never tells you: your worth doesn’t vanish because of your struggles. Your value doesn’t shrink just because your brain is loud. The right people won’t love you despite your anxiety — they’ll love you through it. Because love rooted in truth sees the whole of you, not just the polished parts.

You don’t need to be “easier” to love. You just need to be you.

You Are Worthy While Healing

We tend to view healing as a finish line — a place we have to reach before we’re allowed to rest, feel good, or be loved fully. But healing isn’t a destination. It’s a process, a rhythm, a quiet unfolding. And you are just as worthy in the middle of it as you will be when you feel more “put together.”

You don’t have to be free from anxiety to be loved. You don’t need to have perfect coping mechanisms or emotional clarity at all times. You don’t have to explain every feeling or carry yourself like you’ve mastered healing. You can still be figuring it out — and still be lovable.

Healing doesn’t require you to go into hiding. You don’t need to press pause on connection until you feel more “normal” again. In fact, the right kind of love — from others and from yourself — can support your healing, not delay it. Being loved while healing helps you build trust, feel seen, and soften into your own growth.

You are not a project. You are not a checklist of symptoms to overcome before you can be accepted. You are a human being in motion — growing, learning, breaking, rebuilding. And you’re allowed to be embraced in that process.

Let go of the idea that love is waiting for a “better” version of you. That version doesn’t need to exist in order for you to be worthy of connection. You don’t have to earn love by being healed. You deserve love because you are human, here, and trying — and that’s more than enough.

A Message to Anyone Who Feels “Too Much”

If you’ve ever been told you’re too sensitive, too emotional, too intense — or if you’ve simply felt that way on your own — this is for you.

You are not too much. You are not broken. You don’t need to shrink yourself to make other people more comfortable. You don’t need to silence your needs or soften your truth just to be accepted. The parts of you that feel deeply, love fiercely, overthink, worry, or ache — those parts are still worthy of care.

You are allowed to be loved in your wholeness. Not in pieces. Not in polished moments. But fully. As you are.

It’s okay if you cry easily. It’s okay if your mind spirals sometimes. It’s okay if healing has taken longer than you thought it would. That doesn’t make you less lovable — it makes you real.

There is nothing shameful about having emotions that spill over. There is nothing wrong with needing reassurance, or comfort, or softness. You deserve connection even in your most unfiltered moments. You deserve a love that sits beside your chaos, not one that waits for you to clean it up.

You are not too much for the right people. And you are not too much for yourself. You are simply enough — exactly as you are, even in the mess, even in the middle, even now.

The idea that we have to be “fixed” to be loved is one of the most damaging lies we learn — and one of the hardest to unlearn. But here’s the truth: healing doesn’t make you more lovable. It just makes you feel more like yourself. Love, the real kind, was never waiting on your perfection — it was always something you deserved as you are.

You can be a work in progress and still be worthy of deep, steady, unconditional love. You don’t need to hide your anxiety, hold in your emotions, or downplay your struggles. You don’t need to get everything under control before you let someone care for you.

Let go of the narrative that says you have to be fully healed to belong. You are already whole — not because you’re finished healing, but because you’re human, honest, and still choosing to show up. And that, in itself, is a kind of strength that deserves love — not later, but now.

Xoxo

Kristina